Vampire

Vampire: The Masquerade, V:TM and the logo are trademarks owned by White Wolf Games. Anybody for garlic on their stake?

"Aren't You Afraid of Going Blind as a Bat?"

Submitted by Luke Morey

While explaining that mortals could not resist taking blood from a sire's wrist after being drained because it was a kind of sexual ecstasy, one player began to suck on his wrist saying: "Hey, Vampire Masturbation!"

A Burning Sensation

Submitted by Kyler

This happened about a year or two ago. My friend, Will, and I were playing a game of V:tM. I was the Storyteller, he was the main character. I also played a character, a Malkavian who devoutly believed in a god named, 'Wooga' that resided in a small stuffed Barney doll.

Anyway, Will's character owned a small club in the city, which took up the lower floor of a fair-sized building. After spending most of the night hunting, we retired to the roof. Being the type of vampire to smoke, his character lit up. Those of you who have played Vampire know about Rostreck. My Malkavian flinched at the flame, Will's char shrugged and flicked the butt down into the alley below us. After a few seconds, we hear a woosh and a boom... and they see a bum fly up in front of us, followed by a sewer grate and a fireball. His char turned to mine and said, with a straight face, "...oops."

The two characters later found out that they had managed to eliminate the entire Nosferatu population in the city, because their lairs were in the sewers that blew up.

Hot Tailin' it Outta There!

Submitted by DanieL

In a one-off game of Vampire:TM, our group included one of these rather stereotypical Brujah biker characters. He was very protective about his Harley and insisted on discreetly wiring the battery to the bike's frame, so that anyone touching it (i.e. trying to steal it) without first disconnecting the wire, would receive a mild shock and leave it alone.

It just so happened that we were sent out to capture some anarch rabble. We knew the club where they usually hung out and proceeded without any kind of cooperation whatsoever, everybody pursuing his or her own favorite plan of action. The Brujah was in the club, sucking up to the anarch leader and separating him from the rest of his gang, the Toreador was in the parking lot, "trying to create a diversion" by pouring several gallons worth of gas over all the motorbikes (one of which was, incidentally, the Brujah's one). Our Brujah friend then managed to stake the anarch, shove him into the Ventrue's and came back to pick up his bike and get the hell out of there before the anarch pack found out that their leader had gone missing, when he noticed the Toreador standing above a virtual lake of gasoline, grinning madly and about to drop a match. The Brujah shouted to her to stop, but, due to the noise of the nearby club, she did not see him. So he activated Celerity, ran over to his bike, jumped on it . . .

Of course, he forgot to disconnect his own little trap: he got shocked, sparks flew which ignited the gas and the whole parking lot was on fire. He managed to survive by jumping into the nearby river, sustaining only three or four aggravated wounds in the process...

"I'd like to move for a mis-trial?"

Submitted by DanieL

A long while ago, in our Vampire:TM Live-Action Chronicle, there arose a rather unpleasant situation for a certain neonate Ventrue, Alexander During.

He had been part of a rather disastrous effort to 'liberate' a certain house from its rather unpleasant inhabitants, but he and his compatriots had managed to completely bungle the job, so that the Masquerade was severely endangered and the prince, a very unlikeable fellow named Mestoph, of Clan Tremere was mightily pissed off.

So, when all the vampires assembled for our weekly meeting, the prince began ranting against the members of the unlucky SWAT team, picking on Alexander in particular, whom he couldn't stand anyway. He wanted this to be the day of judgment. Lots of infractions were collected against virtually all the inhabitants of our domain, so that most people were on the receiving end of a rather unpleasant sentence (usually mutilation).

During's case was the last to tried, and the prince made a special show of it. In the end, when it had become pretty clear that During was lucky if he did not leave the room feet first (if at all), the set-up was like this: Mestoph and During stood facing each other, the prince being flanked by one of those typical brain-dead Tremere ghouls. When all was said, Mestoph handed the ghoul a stake and said "Give it to him!", pointing at Alexander. The ghoul pondered this for a second, then handed the stake to the Ventrue. Which was, of course, not what his master had meant him to do.

Mestoph, furious, told During to give the stake back to the ghoul. During, however, considered his options, lunged forward and plunged the stake into the prince's heart. Lucky he was, because the prince had not only forgotten to perform the Tremere ritual which made him stake-proof, but was also severely by certain strange nightmares (numerous points of aggravated damage), so that, when he was struck, he immediately fell into torpor.

Alas, this did not help poor Alexander at all, since he was seized immediately afterward and summarily executed by the regent, but he certainly went in style!